Annual Office Christmas Party Oscars

Roll out the red carpet, guys! It’s time to salute the annual Christmas party patrons. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, “discussing” how they played their role in the annual company throw-down is always a special treat. Here are the Christmas Party Oscar nominees:

The Fun Guy. This is the guy that everybody wants to be around. People fight each other to sit by this guy. No doubt – this will be the fun table. This is where the hot chicks will be.

The Shy Girl. This is the girl who never speaks to anyone at work. She eats lunch at her desk every day, and always declines social events. She does not drive to work – she takes public transportation. Her boss is forcing her to attend the Christmas party – her bonus is contingent upon it. After a few glasses of wine, her skirt is over her head displaying her thong underwear. She has a tattoo on her butt. That is when you find out that she is in AA and is on parole. She is no longer shy and awkward. She is cool.

The Drunk Guy. This is the guy who shows up at the party with 200 Jell-O shooters. It is his mission to get Ethel the secretary, and Marge the receptionist drunk off their asses. He wants to see those orthopedic shoes come off, and those arthritic feet hit the dance floor. He is surrounded by a crowd at the bar. He is doing body shots off of Tiffany, the 22 year old new girl in Marketing.

The Secret Society. This is the group who meets at an undisclosed location before the party begins. These are the cool people. They speak in code language and send secret e-mails the week before the party. No one can find out about their secret plans. They meet to drink, be merry, and predict how the evening will go down. They are the brat pack.

The Person Who Doesn’t Show. This poor soul. By the end of the party, everyone has him/her divorcing, destitute, in jail, a drug addict, a sex offender, a porn star, recovering from liposuction, a prostitute. They should have just made an appearance!

The Office Ho. She works for the company president. How do you think she got that job? She is wearing the latest Fredericks of Hollywood fashion. Complete with 5 inch hooker shoes and fish-net hose. They end up ripped before the night is over because she fell off of the table she was dancing on. One of her fake fingernails is missing also.

The Annoying Guy. This person has tried, unsuccessfully, for years to get into the secret society. People can’t stand to be around him. He shows up without a date because he wants to leave his options open. He pumped iron for 5 hours prior to the party so his biceps would look good in his new tight satin shirt. He thinks he’ll get lucky with the new girl in accounting, but ends up driving Office Ho home. On Monday, he walks door to door assuring people that he did not touch that scank.

The Elves. These are the ladies of the office who think it would be great to play games and give door prizes. You can thank them for the 4 foot tall stuffed Santa, the porcelain angel, the snowman that plays Jingle Bells, and the fruit cake. At the end of the night, Drunk Guy has Santa in a headlock as he stumbles to the car. So much for that $40 bucks.