I'm BaaaaAaaaaak!

Did you miss me? I apologize to all of my blog friends. It has been a CRAZY three weeks. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have been unable to post since my last entry of 10/20/06. That is because:

1. Catherine and Amy were right. On 10/20/06 I left work and went shoe shopping.
2. On my way to the mall, I stopped at KFC (not crack-fil-a, mind you) and inadvertently ate the teenage mutant ninja turtle parts that KFC passes off as chicken.
3. I washed it down with a Coke - which I later used to clean my toilet.
4. After a successful shoe shopping trip, I went to the parking garage to get into my car. I was approached by a very handsome looking gentleman in a business suit who wanted to sell me very expensive cologne at a really good price. Smelling it is the last thing I remember. When I woke up, I had been robbed! I don't know for sure, but I don't think that was cologne folks!
5. Since the thief took my purse, my car, and my new shoes, I had to find a pay phone to call the police. Thank goodness I had a quarter in my pocket. But, as luck would have it, the pay phone ate my money. When I tried to retrieve it, I accidentally pricked my finger with the hypodermic needle that had been left in the coin retrieval!
6. After that - I figured I needed a drink. So, I hitched a ride to the closest bar. Since I didn't have any money, I flirted with someone and got them to buy me a drink. Next thing I know, I'm in a sleazy motel room and one of my kidneys is missing! Thankfully, they packed the incision with ice, left a phone nearby, and I was able to call 911.
7. After a week's stay in the hospital, I went back home. (That's when I cleaned the toilet with the coke - worked great by the way.) I also paid the bills that had been piling up.
8. Since I NEVER win anything, you can imagine my surprise when I read my e-mail and found out that Bill Gates wanted to share his fortune with ME! I was notified that I was getting a check for approximately $24,800! That will sure help with those hospital bills.
9. I was so excited that I decided to pay off everything. But just after I had licked all of the envelopes for the bills, a bump appeared on my tongue. My next door neighbor is a doctor who quickly came over and informed me that I had accidentally consumed spider eggs from the envelope glue. There were spiders growing in my mouth!
10. Thankfully, she is skilled with a paring knife. You should have seen those spiders crawl right out of my tongue! It was a horror show.

Assuming a serial killer doesn't leave a tape of a crying baby on my doorstep leading me to wander outside in search, but am thereby abducted - I'll be back tomorrow. No promises though. Like I said, it's been a crazy three weeks.