On the Lookout for Jake Ryan

Barf me out - gag me with a spoon. I'm having a cow. Can somebody please call Marty McFly and get me back to the future?

What the heck is going on with fashion lately? Don't get me wrong. I love fashion! But, walking through the malls I'd swear I'd somehow managed to step inside the wrong Camaro headed straight back to 1980. Have I landed in the Cannonball Run? It all happened so fast. Long shirts, striped sweaters, drop belts, leggings, skinny pants? LEG WARMERS? Stop the madness, and please call VH1 to report a fashion emergency. I simply cannot do it again.

My philosophy: It was bad enough the first time around, but we prevailed! If you had to live the 80's fashion nightmare once, why the heck would you want to do it again?

I shutter to think what's next. Lace gloves, bangle bracelets, jelly shoes, lace bows in your hair? Please keep this stuff for your Halloween party collection, people. We don't need to see it every day. At the first sighting of "Mork from Ork" suspenders, I'm moving to South Beach. They don't wear clothes there.

p.s. You are enjoying a lovely photo copied today from www.anntaylorloft.com. YIKES!!

The Nick Toe Project

So our boys are in day care. Before we had kids in day care, I was not aware that we had enough extra money to afford a small island. This is really good to know. I'll be hitting my mid-life crisis at just the moment we're no longer paying for day care. Could the timing be more perfect? Ahhhhh. I can feel the breeze and taste the daquris. Bring on the Bob Marley.

Anyway, at the beginning of each month the boys bring home a calendar detailing the day-by-day events of their classes including their homework assignments. Two and four year olds have homework assignments, you ask? Yes they do. Some examples have been: bring in a circle cut out of colorful paper, draw a sad face, draw a picture of your family, bring a book about school to share. Most of the assignments include stuff we have around the house, so simple enough. Plus, it's fun to do as a family.

So when I read Nick's assignment for today, I had to go huh? It said bring in a toe picture. Reading it again, it still said bring in a toe picture. First thought, where the heck am I supposed to find a toe picture? Second thought, why? Lucky for us we have our very own toe model at home - resulting in the Nick Toe Project.

Some September Events of Interest

September 6th is Quaker Oats Day
September 8th is National Pledge of Allegiance Day
September 12th is National Policewoman Day
September 14th is National Cream-filled Donut Day (One I wouldn't mind celebrating!)
September 17th is National Apple Dumpling Day
September 24th is Good neighbor Day

Can't wait to see what October has in store for us.

Satellite Radio

Can I just say I love my satellite radio?! Thank you, thank you, thank you mom for getting me this for Christmas. Listening to satellite radio is like being back in high school, and listening your best friend's favorite "mix tape." Seriously (or should I say sirius-ly), this is the greatest thing ever.

A confession. I thought I would fall over dead when Howard Stern left regular (terrestrial) radio. I love the man. So, like the rest of his faithful cult - I went to Sirius just for Howard. Well! Let me tell you - I mean no disrespect, but Howard Shmoward! Give my kool-aid to somebody else, buddy. I've got 125+ channels of whatever girlfriend is in the mood for!

To have "The Big 80's", "Totally 70's", "Hair Nation", "The Strobe", and the "Cosmo Channel" at my fingertips makes Kim a happy, happy gal. Driving in this morning, I was listening to Hair Nation (yea, you heard me right - a station solely dedicated to hair bands.) Whitesnake came on the radio. Ok - I was waaaaaay down memory lane before I realized people were staring. In an instant, reality set in. My neck was killing me from swinging my head round and round in circles. I almost broke my window (and my head), I spilled my drink, my hair was a mess, people were covering the eyes of their small children. I know they were thinking - CRACK HEAD. But, no. It was just me and my Whitesnake. Thank God I snapped out of that trance before I got out in the middle of stand-still traffic and pulled a Tawney Kitaen on the hood of the car!

Crack-fil-A

You know it as Chick-fil-A - I know it as Crack-fil-A. I say that because that is the only explanation I can come up with. The chicks put crack in their fil-A. Why else would the one by my office be 25 cars deep at the drive-through EVERY time I go by there? I am not kidding. 8 AM, 10:52 AM, 1:17 PM, 3:59 PM - doesn't matter. The place stops traffic. The people waiting in that line have an addiction - they must. And it ain't the chicken, people.

I could understand if the food were good. It is not. I could understand if it were the only restaurant around. It is not. I could even understand if the line-formers were super-dooper hungry and it were a convenient place to stop. It is not. Seriously - it is SO not.

My theory: It is the crack-smoker's heaven, and they are all following the big bright light. Yeah, I'll just stay away from that.

The Skinny Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall
Which pair of jeans make my butt look small?
The mirror says "all of them", but this can't be true.
I wear a size 6, but now I'm a 2????

If you are female, you will no doubt fall victim to the "skinny mirror." It is a nasty department store conspiracy that turns fugly into fabulous in seconds. Department store owners aren't stupid. They install mirrors in the dressing rooms that make even the chunkiest of butts look two sizes smaller.... and a few inches taller. We're taken to an instant paradise as soon as we walk through the dressing room door. We take one look into that mirror and stand before a goddess. The sky opens up, the birds start singing, the fragrance of lilacs penetrate the air. All is peaceful in the world. Next thing we know - we're floating on the wings of our credit cards to the cash register. Three shopping bags later, we're off to Starbucks for a full blown latte with the whip. Why not? We're skinny - the mirror said so!

The skinny mirror and I have a love/hate relationship. Love the skinny mirror when I'm in the store and everything I try on looks fab. Hate the skinny mirror when I get home and everything I just bought looks flab. Nothing is more frustrating than getting your new fantastic outfit home, taking it out of the bag and gently caressing it as if it were your newborn baby, carefully trying it on to see if it matches the shoes you bought one week earlier.. then WHAM! It doesn't fit! Your mirror at home reaches out and slaps you right across the face. Your mirror at home doesn't lie. She is bent over laughing at your fat ass saying "Idiot! What the heck were you thinking! You haven't worn that size in years!" Reality sets in. You've become a victim of a vicious scheme, and have had a come to Jesus meeting with your credit card bill all at the same time.

Me Likey Me Friday - And Here's a Tribute

10 reasons why I'm happy this Friday!

My kids, my hubbie, and myself are all happy and healthy!

I am going out with Catherine tonight. C-A-T-H-E-R-I-N-E equals F-U-N.

I do not appear to have contacted E. Coli from eating bagged spinach. Whew!

It is NOT raining today. (Greg, we can put the ark construction on hold.)

Adam - the Survivor contestant I drew in my "Survivor pool" is still in the game. ($80 bucks to me - $1M to him if he wins.)

I am not Katie Holmes, and am not forever more linked to Tom Cruise.

I have the second episode of Nip Tuck on DVR awaiting me when I return home from my hot date with Catherine tonight.

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have split. This will make for some great ghetto reading over the next few weeks. Who gets all the bling? Can I have some bling?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were put on this earth for our entertainment. I can't wait until one of them gets eaten by a big giant rat while they are on a safari saving Africa. Just the thought that it might happen makes me happy today!

I have the greatest husband, two kids, friends, and family in the whole-wide-world!!!!!

Rain Equals Retards

Why, why, WHY must people put on their retard raincoats and get behind the wheel of a car every time there is a sprinkle? Sometimes I think it's a universal joke on me because there are more retards on my commute than there are anywhere else in Northern Virginia. When it rains, forget it. May as well sit there and watch my eyelashes grow - there will be time.

It's as if there's some big retard convention going on up in the sky and they're all looking down at me saying, "Ok-Kim is on her way to work let's all synchronize our retarded watches and get out there just to screw with her." It's so unfair! My commute is long enough, I don't need to spend my morning with these people. I AM NOT RETARDED. I don't intentionally flock to their kind.

Thought for the day. Before you get into your car and get in my way, have your breakfast eaten, your phone calls made, your face shaved, your teeth brushed, your hair combed, your paper read, your butt scratched, and your crack pipe put safely back into it's rightful place. Otherwise, move over and get the hell out of my way.