Ten Reasons why you should not drink heavily when you have toddlers. (In no particular order)

Just because you go to bed at 3AM does not mean they will let you sleep in. They are not sympathetic to your cause. Remember, you put them to bed early so you could party like a rock star. They woke up pissed, and they are seeking revenge.

To them 5:45 AM is like Mardi Gras has begun, and your bedroom is Bourbon Street. They bring out the horns and the beads, and your bed has just been transformed into a parade float. The party has just started and you're running for the toilet.

Kids are smarter than you think. They really don't want juice, pancakes, bacon, sausage, Captain Crunch cereal, a donut, yogurt, a fruit bar, a freshly peeled apple, chocolate milk, waffles, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast. They just want you to suffer. It's one of the few times that they will EVER sit patiently and wait. They wait until you resume your comfortable position on the couch. They watch and wait until you get that cold head compress reapplied. Then they ask for something other than the item they requested 10 minutes prior. They are evil.

The smell of their orange juice reminds you that chugging that last screwdriver during a drinking game was not such a good idea. After all, you are not single and 21 any more.

Is it really possible for someone to crap their pants 6 times in one day? I mean, really. Is it?

What is that brown stuff on the floor? Never mind. It can stay there until the carpet gets replaced. I really don't care.

You are seriously wishing you hadn't taught them those karate moves. Especially that round-house kick to the gut. It's no longer cute. It's painful.

OK FINE! You can have marshmallows, M&M's, caffeinated soda, and whipped cream for lunch. Get it yourself, and leave me alone.

10 reruns of Sponge Bob makes you want to stab yourself in the eye. Actually, that would probably feel better than your head feels.

Your child’s cry sounds like weapons of mass destruction have just exploded in your living room. Again, even that feels better than your head.